During a recent counseling session at ClearMind, a woman looked at me with frustration and longing and asked, “How do I know if I’m with the right person?”
It’s a question that comes up more often than you might think asked quietly by people in long-term relationships, newlyweds, or even those only a few months in. It’s not always voiced out loud, but it lingers in the background during moments of disconnection, unmet expectations, or emotional fatigue.
The natural cycle of every relationship
Here’s what I’ve found to be true, both from personal experience and years of working with clients: every relationship goes through phases.
In the beginning, we are swept up by what many call new relationship energy. Is that intoxicating mix of excitement, desire, and emotional intensity. We look forward to our partner’s messages. Their quirks seem adorable. We crave their presence. We may even describe it as “falling” in love. It suggests something passive, something that happens to us without effort. One day we’re simply living our lives, and the next, we’re pulled into a deep connection that feels effortless and magical.
But what most people aren’t prepared for is what comes next.
After months or years, the euphoria naturally begins to fade. This doesn’t mean something has gone wrong, it’s simply the next stage in the relationship cycle. Calls and messages may feel like interruptions rather than anticipated delights. Physical affection becomes less frequent or even unwelcome. The quirks we once found charming now rub on our nerves.
This transition can be shocking. You might find yourself wondering, “Where did the spark go? Am I still in love? Did I choose the wrong person?”
These doubts are often fueled by the contrast between the early infatuation and the everyday reality of a long-term connection. Many people, in this phase, believe they’ve made a mistake or that a better match is waiting for them elsewhere.
Some begin seeking the thrill of connection outside the relationship. For some, this takes the form of infidelity. For others, it shows up as emotional withdrawal, over-investment in work, excessive time spent on hobbies, or numbing out with TV, food, alcohol, or other substances. The underlying impulse is the same: a desire to escape the discomfort of a love that now feels uncertain, flat, or difficult.
But here’s the truth I gently offered to my client:
The answer to your dissatisfaction doesn’t lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.
What we get wrong about “The Right Person”?
Can you fall in love with someone else? Yes. Would it feel exciting and new? Absolutely. But would that feeling last? Not forever.
Eventually, that relationship would go through its own cycle, and you’d likely find yourself right back in this same emotional territory.
Because here’s the hard, hopeful truth:
Being with the “right” person isn’t about finding someone perfect. It’s about choosing to love and grow with the person you have.
Loving someone long-term isn’t passive. It doesn’t run on autopilot. It’s not something that just “happens” like it did in the early days. Love, a real, lasting love, is a conscious act. It’s a decision. One you return to, over and over again.
That doesn’t mean staying in a relationship that’s unhealthy or abusive, that’s a different conversation. But in a relationship where both partners are willing to try, to be honest, and to grow, there is room to rekindle connection. There are tools and skills that can be learned.
Love is practice, not magic
We often talk about love as if it’s some mysterious, uncontrollable force. But there are actually predictable patterns to what creates emotional closeness, trust, and intimacy. Just as there are physical laws in nature, there are emotional principles in relationships:
- Communication matters, especially the way we listen.
- Repairs after conflict is more important than avoiding it altogether.
- Small daily gestures of appreciation carry more weight than grand romantic declarations.
- Mutual respect must be practiced, even in frustration.
- Emotional safety allows vulnerability to thrive.
When we stop chasing the right person and instead start cultivating the right relationship, everything begins to shift.
A clear mind, a clear heart
At ClearMind Counseling, I work with individuals and couples who are navigating these exact questions. If you’re wondering whether you’re with the right person, I invite you to look inward first. Not with blame or guilt, but with curiosity, compassion, and courage.
Because the truth is: Love isn’t something we fall into. It’s something we build.
And that foundation begins with self-awareness, communication, and the decision to keep showing up.